I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
