Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
this hospital has no fireball
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize