you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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