I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
