Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
