Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she peed on how many people?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
