i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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