she woke up with a sticky ear
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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