I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
