he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
