The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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