my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
