sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
