just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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