my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize