You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
