my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
