watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
