While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
