I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
