I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
