Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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