Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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