I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
