I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
