Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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