I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
