Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
