It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
