apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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