I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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