We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
