I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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