If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
