I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
