Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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