he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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