I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize