I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
