ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
