you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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