You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
