Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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