i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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