He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
