She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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