I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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