I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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