Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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