I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
