I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
