Sponge bath it is.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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