hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
