u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He did a backflip because drugs
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
