I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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