Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
