Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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